Home Again
by fatedtopretendd
Summary: Set in late season 3, Marissa decides to go to Ryan's birthday party after all but she's hiding a tragic secret and as it comes to light, it pushes Ryan and Marissa's paths back together. CHAPTER 4 added.
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary: Set in late season 3, Marissa decides to go to Ryan's birthday party after all but she's hiding a tragic secret and as it comes to light, it pushes Ryan and Marissa's paths back together.**_

**A/N: So quite a few people were asking for slightly longer fics so here you are, I'm going to try and attempt a chaptered fic. Although, it's not going to be too long. I have a general idea where I am going with this fic but I haven't decided how many chapters but I would think max 5. **

**Also, at the risk of giving too much away, there is a certain _incident_ that happens to Marissa here (different from the show) and I'll admit it straight away, the facts of it probably aren't being upheld here but creative licence I guess :)**

**Reviews are always appreciated and I hope people enjoy this. Hopefully won't be too late for the next update, I'm going to get working on it straight away.**

It hits her suddenly, the memories from a time gone by; feelings which had been lost along the way where coming back and brought with it a stinging dizziness. Marissa tries to grasp on to the railing of the staircase, she misses and her feet tumble against each other as her body collapses down.

She's still conscious, _just_. Her head's still spinning but she can't feel any pain. She thinks it might be the adrenaline but even so, she doesn't think anything is broken. She's fine. Then, she notices the distinct stain of blood on her jeans but before she can determine where it's coming from, her consciousness fades into a sleepy lull.

* * *

He's standing by himself, reading some sort of letter. She spots him quickly, somehow her eyes have a way of picking him out from even the biggest of crowds. There's a part of her, in fact a very big proportion of her mind is telling her to just bail right now. It would probably be the easiest thing to do – there's little doubt to that – yet as she runs a tired hand through her hair, she knows the right thing to do is at least honour his invitation. She takes her tentative steps forward, her hands clutching tightly on to the mix CD she's made him.

It doesn't take him long to finish reading the letter. Once finished, he quickly folds it back into quarters and shoves it into his back pocket. He loves his mother and although there was a time, he thought she didn't love him, nowadays he thinks otherwise but never the less, dwelling on her too much brings more frustration then it does relief and right now, he would really quite like to avoid the topic. After all, it's his birthday.

So, when he sees Marissa walking towards him, he doesn't hesitate to take up the very pleasant distraction being offered to him.

"Hey." As he walks up to her there's an undeniable bounce in his step and Marissa could swear that he's almost happy to see her. They've been basically avoiding each other since Valentine's day with most of their conversations taking place over the phone. She shudders a little, remembering the phone call not long ago cementing the end of their relationship but the coldness that she remembers to have existed, now seems wholly evaporated.

"Hey."

"I didn't expect to see you today." he says still smiling contently. He would like to tell himself that the reason he's happy right now is because he's glad to not be thinking about Dawn but the truth of the matter is, he's just really happy to have her here and see her again. The distance between them, the deliberation to invite her, it's been exhausting.

"Yeah, you invited me so it would be rude to not turn up." Reading the cautiousness in her manner, he thinks perhaps he ought to be more reserved too.

"No, it wouldn't have been rude, it would have made sense...since well, we just broke up. You shouldn't feel obligated to stay."

Noticing the hints of hurt in his voice she assures him, "I want to be here. I wanted to come, I just wasn't sure if that's what you wanted." Her eyes drop away from his and now it's his turn to reassure her.

"It's what I want." Their eyes connect united by the shared longing to be near each other and for a few seconds, it's like it once was; a shaking passion gripping them, relentless yet irresolute.

"Your present." Breaking out from the depths of their connection, Marissa remembers the CD she still needs to give him. "Here," she says lifting it to him and just as she does it, she realises the mistake she's made. An unmistakable bandage is wrapped around her right hand and not even her long sleeved shirt can hide it.

"What the hell happened to your hand Marissa?" He's completely ignored the CD and instead all his attentions are focused on the damaged hand holding it. Marissa groans inwardly, she did not want to be a burden on Ryan ever again and especially not on his birthday. "How did this happen?" His eyes are wild with concern and she really does want to bolt now. She can't bear to explain what happened this morning and she doubts whether she'll be able to contain all the details once she begins to tell him the minor ones. She knows then, that she will have ruined his birthday.

"I..." There's a voice in the back of her head which is pushing her to tell him everything. He deserves to know at some point and she could really do with talking to somebody. Ryan noticing her distraught demeanour decides aggressive questioning might not be the best tact right now.

"Hey." he says softly, his arms slowly moving around her drawing her into him. "You can talk to me, I'll understand or at least, I'll try to." She's been trying to hold it in all day but now as Ryan holds her, his arms as assured and dependable as they ever were, her defences go down and the dams burst open as she cries into his chest. Almost by instinct, his arms immediately wrap around her, he had figured something was wrong but for her to react like this, things must be badly screwed.

They stand for a while in that stance, his hands rubbing up and down her back to calm her, meaningless words being murmured into her ear to sooth her. Her sobs ease down quickly but even that minute felt like an eternity and as every second passed, the worry etched itself into his mind. Once she's a bit more composed, he guides them to a bench, a protective arm constantly holding on to her.

"Oh God, I'm sorry Ryan...for making this big scene and embarrassing you and ruining your birthday."

"Believe me when I say this, I'm really not concerned about all those things you just listed. What I _am_ concerned about, is you." His free hand moves to her face lifting her chin so those glimmering tear stained eyes are staring right into his. Looking at her face he notices how tired she appears, how that shining glint in her eye, which he remembers so well, is practically non-existent and on further scrutiny, he spots the darkening bruise on the corner of her forehead stealthily hidden by a lock of hair. He's getting worried; the last time there had been such an ugly bruise on her body, she had just escaped from being raped. "What's going on Marissa? You're scaring me."

Marissa sighs deeply, quickly realising that she's going to have to tell Ryan everything.

"Firstly, you don't need to worry. I'm fine, I've even been to the hospital, got everything checked up. It's just some bruises and a sprained wrist, so you see, I'm fine."

"You don't look _fine_ to me." Just as he says it, he bites down on his lip - that's probably not what a girl ever wants to hear, especially not when she's feeling down. "I mean you look great, you always look beautiful. That's not what I meant. Sorry." he adds sheepishly a little concerned about his remark but when Marissa just begins laughing at his verbal diarrhoea, he's simply glad to have lifted her spirits, even if it's for the shortest of moments.

"It's ok, I know what you mean. And I'm pretty sure all that crying has completely ruined my make-up and there's probably mascara everywhere so no doubt I look horrendous"

"No, you could _never _look horrendous. I really mean that, you still look as pretty as any other day, just...tired."

"Thanks" Her cheeks are undeniably blushing red causing Ryan to smile. After all this time, it still made him a little giddy seeing the effect he could have on her. There was something terribly rewarding about the knowledge that at that moment, _he_ was the one making her smile or laugh or blush, _he was making her happy_.

So, being serious now, how did this even happen?"

"I...God it's going to sound really stupid but I, kind of, fell down some stairs or maybe even a whole flight of them."

"Stairs?" He's staring at her in disbelief wondering how on earth she finds herself in these scenarios. "Where did you even find a whole flight of stairs to fall down? I don't remember the trailer having any."

"No, the trailer doesn't." She's cringing on the inside, thinking about all the awkward explaining she's going to have to do. "Do you remember the model home, the one you burnt down or helped to?" Ryan nods silently, utterly confused of where she's going with this. "So, I was there today and when I realised, that it was _that_ same model home, all those memories from before they came rushing back and I fainted and...kind of, ended up at the bottom of the staircase."

The incredulous expression is still on his face but the anxiety has gone down a bit with the knowledge that at least something as horrific as rape hasn't happened to her.

"What were you doing there?"

"I...was there seeing Volcholk."

"Volcholk?" His voice is stern and all he has to say his name but his tone alone lets her know how wholly disapproving he is of any interaction Marissa may have been having with him.

"It's not like it sounds, I'm not dating him –"

"I would hope so, the guy's a walking billboard for trouble."

"He's not that bad." she protests weakly but seeing the continued contempt in Ryan's expression, decides it would be best to drop any defending. "I just went to see him because I sort of got him muddled up into some trouble with Matt the other night and he didn't do anything wrong so I went to see him today, just to apologise. I felt bad, that's all."

He trusts her and knows her well enough to believe she isn't lying yet he can't help feeling it's always the same story with her and these various wounded guys.

"I don't get it. You could have _any_ guy you want and out of all of them, you choose the most fucked up ones."

Marissa considers defending herself but given her track record, there's little chance on her giving a convincing argument.

"It's...complicated." They both know that they're no longer talking about Volcholk and one day, she hopes she can explain it all to Ryan. Oliver, Trey, Johnny but right now isn't the time for it.

"It's ok, you don't have to explain." He's practically read her mind, she thinks. There are times where it really frightens her, how completely exposed she becomes in front of him but at that moment, she's glad he can tell without her saying anything. More often than not, she's so very glad about this silent wordless bond that unites them and in those moments where all her faith is dwindling, the reminder that their connection still holds gives her immeasurable hope.

"Thanks."

Silence dawns for a while now and Marissa takes the chance to lean back, her head snug against Ryan's arm, and breath out a few gasps of relief. She closes her eyes and thinks she's managed pretty well. In fact, she's avoided having to tell Ryan the worst bit. Well, she thought she had.

"So, what else happened? That can't be it."

Her eyes are wide open now and her body language has once again become nervous and constrained.

"Nope, that's everything."

"Marissa, I know you, better than anyone even and I know that you don't cry over falling down flights of stairs. There's something you're not telling me." His voice is steady and encouraging. In a further effort, his hand drops down, taking her hand into his; the comforting heat of his fingertips pressing down on her, pushing her to open up.

"I..." she wants to tell him but doesn't even know how she would. She doesn't know if she's physically capable of articulating what happened, she's barely had a chance to absorb the news herself.

"Hey, there's no pressure, just go from the beginning."

"Ok." The tears are pricking at her eyes once again but she's determined to get through this. "At the hospital, they checked everything and I was fine, like I said. But they did some check-ups and it turned out that..."

Her eyes have turned ghostly once again and the tears have begun to quietly fall down, so Ryan squeezes her hand, holding it tighter, giving her the silent acknowledgement that he's still here, he's here for her.

"...and it turned out that I was pregnant, just a few weeks in but I was definitely pregnant. I was pregnant and then...just like that after one stupid accident, I stopped being pregnant." Her voice, in fact her whole body is shaking and she turns to Ryan, just in case it wasn't clear already, "I lost the baby Ryan, I lost our baby."

_**A/N 2: So the incident I was referring to before was Marissa's miscarriage and I don't know if that actually happened whether Marissa would be able to just walk around freely without having to rest for at least a day or something. Like I said I don't really know so I'm taking some creative license here. PS. sorry if there were some typos in this, I was a bit rushed checking and I'm too lazy to check again.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Chaptered fics are hard to write! Probably don't expect many more in the future, my inspiration is so sporadic, it comes as quickly as it goes. This is a bit of a dull chapter, too much dialogue imo. I'm not overly pleased with it but I'm hoping the next one will be more fun to write and also read. The next chapter may be the last or failing that the one after should pretty definitely be the end.**

**Reviews are always appreciated. A huge thank you to anyone who has already done so!**

"I'm sorry." That's all she can tell Ryan as he sits motionless reeling from her revelation, fatigue and anguish demonstrated all over his face. All these various pieces are coming to light and being simultaneously proven and disproven and Ryan, likewise Marissa, is at a complete loss of what to think or feel.

There's panic in their hearts from the possibility of what might have been mingled with the sadness and relief of their loss.

"It's not your fault, you can't blame yourself for this." he tells her, breaking out of his stupor. "It's no one's fault, these things just happen."

His fingers desperately search for her hand and he tightens his grip on it, Marissa graciously accepting the gesture. In this tumultuous concoction of emotions, they have each other; someone who understands exactly what the other is going through.

"Are you okay?" she asks him gently, lightly running one hand through his hair. By the look of it, both of them appear to have forgotten they've broken up.

"Yeah. I will be anyway; these things just come as a bit of a shock. But I will be, you will too, won't you? I guess…it must be a lot harder on you."

"I don't know, it was yours too right? As much as it was mine... It's hard to work out how to feel but like you said, I will be okay."

They exchange smiles and for now that's all they have but the simple reassurance is enough. As they find some more mental stability, they realise their intimate proximity might just be too intimate and awkwardly separate their fingers apart.

"Did you...was there a moment where you felt, I don't know...different? Like did you ever get the feeling you might be?" His words come out in an incoherent mumble but Marissa understands what he means.

"Truthfully, these few weeks, really this whole year but especially recently, so much has happened and it's like my life has gone from one drama to the next so I never had the chance to look out for anything out of the ordinary. It completely flew over me when I missed my period, I've been so pre-occupied. Even if I look back now and see those moments where I could have or_ should have_ known, I know there was hardly any chance of me noticing them, the way I was."

"Hey, it's okay." he reassures her noticing her distress. "I'm not trying to blame you, I _don't_ blame you, I was just curious."

"I know." She flashes him a brief smile letting him know she understands. As they sit quietly once more, she notices the Mix CD lying next to her and picks it up to give to Ryan. "Your present, it got forgotten with everything else."

"Oh, thanks." He tells her taking it.

"I know it's not much…"

"It means more to me than anything anyone could buy me." She can tell by the seriousness of his tone that he's not lying and she's touched by the fact that such a simple gift could mean so much to him. "I was always sad about losing the first copy and you know, I never did get to finish my _'education'_."

Soft laughter fills the night air as they think back to a time which at the time had felt impossibly complicated but now seems so simple.

"Yes, clearly you didn't because Journey is still your favourite band." she says teasing him.

"Do not insult Journey."

The laughter passes once more and Ryan takes a minute to look at the CD. He had seen it before already when he came to leave the invitation but he sees now that Marissa's added a cover, the very same one she had used two years ago. The detail she has gone to pulls at his heartstrings.

"It's getting late," Marissa comments causing Ryan to break away from his thoughts. "you should get back to your party."

"Aren't you going to come?" He was aiming for nonchalant but the question comes out full of vulnerability.

"I think it would probably best if I went home, I'm pretty tired anyway. So I'm just going to go."

It's true, she is tired but more particularly, she doesn't feel like seeing Seth or the Cohens or to a lesser extent even Summer. She's been experiencing a disconnect with almost everyone in her life and with all that's happened today, she's really not in the mood to try and connect with all those people. And then there's the matter of the new girlfriend, she shudders as she thinks about Sadie and although she can only feel irrational contempt for the girl, she resolves in her mind that Ryan deserves the happiness of being with a normal, drama free girl.

Whatever way she looks at it, she knows it's going to end up being awkward going to the party with all these people there. Having made up her mind, she gets up preparing to leave, only to be stopped by Ryan who has tightly held on to her hand once again.

"If you're bailing, I get to bail with you."

"No, I am not letting you do that." she protests. "You are going to go back into the Bait Shop and enjoy what's left of your birthday."

"I'm not going to be able to enjoy my birthday without _you_."

The words blurt out before he can stop them but once he's said them, he doesn't regret it at all. He's so tired of constantly trying to deny what he actually feels and he's finally speaking what's on his mind and judging by Marissa's stalled progress, it's quite effective. "It's kind of a lame party anyway," he adds conscious of the awkward silence threatening to fall over them, "I'm touched Seth went to all the effort but there's some band I don't know or like and there are these really embarrassing pictures of my face on a cowboy." he pauses for a second noting the giggle faintly escaping from her lips hinting her falling resistance, "You would really be helping me out."

He's giving those puppy dog eyes he knows she never used to be able to resist when they were together and he can only hope they still have their charm.

"I don't know Ryan…what about Sadie? You two seemed close."

"She's in LA or somewhere, she's visiting an ex, whatever it is, she said she couldn't make it. But even if she was here, it wouldn't have made a difference. Just let me take you home, make sure you're safe and then I'll go back to my party. I even promise to try and have fun."

"Okay." she replies not so reluctantly.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

She's effortless against those puppy dog eyes.

* * *

The journey in the car is quiet, neither one quite sure what to say. Marissa, moving her eyes away from the window, mindlessly observes Ryan's hands on the steering wheel memorizing the contours of his muscles, the faint creases in his skin. She decides it's been too long since she last did this, just simply taking in his presence.

"Hey." The sound of his voice makes her jump slightly, she thinks somehow he's caught her staring at him. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Um, sure." The blush on her cheeks is lightening now as the embarrassment seems to be avoided.

"How did it happen?" Seeing her confusion, he explains further, "How did you get pregnant? I know how, obviously…" he stutters, "… but I thought we were always quite careful. I guess my question should probably be, when did it happen?"

Marissa would probably be embarrassed by the question at hand but noticing Ryan's awkwardness in asking it, her own self-consciousness is seemingly depleted.

"I've thought about that too."

"There was that night after your mom and Kirsten's launch party, just around the time Kaitlin came back." He offers shyly unsure about what would be saying too much. "Do you remember?" He questions a little tentatively.

"Yeah, of course." A grin forms on her face before she adds, "That was a good night."

"It was." He says quietly as he begins to get lost in the memory himself.

"Personally, I was thinking about the next time after that night. We were at the Bait Shop and the band was really bad so we decided to just drop out..."

"...and you dragged me to the car and totally ambushed me."

"I do not remember you complaining!"

"I never said I was." he retorts amidst light laughter. "It's a pretty good bet though, you have to admit, you were really impatient." He looks at her, wearing that teasing smirk on his face that he only seems to save for her,

"I..." she considers protesting and finally decides if she did, she would be lying anyway. "Ok, I was." she admits reluctantly, "The condom could have been split and we would have barely noticed, wait, did we even use one?"

"I honestly can't remember."

"Well, there you go." Looking back on that memory now is easy and light hearted but as the thought lingers in the air, it sets in how disastrous the incident could have been. "Is it horrible that I'm...almost glad that we didn't have to decide what to do ourselves? It's like a part of me is glad for the miscarriage..."

"No it's not horrible. It's understandable." he replies quietly to her slowly uttered question.

They spend the remainder of the journey in silence, thinking things over in their own heads, both uncertain about what to say next. When they finally reach the trailer, Marissa had planned to just say goodbye and send him back to his party but when she turns to look at him, she catches the tiredness in his eyes and realizes, tonight he needs her just as much as she needs him.

"Do you want to come over?"

"What?" he asks in disbelief.

"If you like, you could stay for a while and I don't know, we could watch a film or something, granted there's limited choice. And I think we might even have some cake."

"Cake and movies?" he pauses before he finally tells her, "Sure."


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: The content is much more exciting in this chapter imo. It's not very long I know but shorter updates do mean faster updates. I also apologize immediately if you're disappointed by my attempt at some steamy writing, hah, what I can I say? I tried. Reviews will always be loved and thank you to those who already do so. :)**_

Marissa wakes up in her bed in the middle of the night. It used to happen to her often, less frequently now but the reason was always Trey. But tonight her nightmares featured a different torment because the images of Trey forcing himself on to her became replaced with the image of her blood spilling on to the marble stairs of the model home. There was blood everywhere; the blood of her lost baby.

It's hot in the trailer. The sun's been beating down all day and the heat has become packed in this tiny shell of a home. Marissa realizing she's still dressed in the same clothes, begins to peel off her jeans and t-shirt and replaces them with some short shorts and a flimsy tank top. It's still painfully hot, so she opens the tiny window next to her bed to let some of the cool night breeze in. She sits for a second on the bed, letting the sweat that sticks to her cool off and also to allow the thoughts to steady in her mind. She had told Ryan what had happened and then he had driven her home and then...they had watched 'The Sound of Music' together. There had been some slightly more 'guy-friendly' film choices but Ryan had insisted on 'The Sound of Music' because he knew it was her favorite. Marissa groans inwardly; _of course Ryan would put me first, even on his birthday. _

Suddenly, remembering Ryan, she wonders what happened to him. Her mind's drawing a blank after they began to watch the movie and she doesn't even know how she ended up in her bed when they were on the sofa. She concludes in the end that she must have fallen asleep and Ryan left her on the bed before leaving himself. Having decided on this, she walks out of her room to get a glass of water only to find a sleeping Ryan cramped up on the sofa. _He didn't leave_.

She hovers nervously unsure of what to do. On one hand he looks so peaceful asleep but sleeping on that tiny couch cannot be comfortable. _Why did he even stay?_ She keeps asking herself. Ryan has a tendency to be over-protective but this seems like a stretch even for him. It strikes her then that maybe he stayed not just for her but for himself too. _He really doesn't want to be alone tonight._ Marissa thinks about the nightmare she's just had and the more she dwells on it, the more compelled she becomes to wake him up and invite him to her bed.

"Marissa?" a sleepy voice calls out cutting through her thoughts. She might as well do it now, she decides, since she's already woke him up.

"Hey," she says softly kneeling down to look him in the eye, "you didn't have to sleep on the couch."

"I didn't...?" he replies groggily.

Marissa offers him her hand, motioning for him to take it. He holds it obediently as she guides them into her room and then on to her bed. She considers suggesting he can take his jeans off but he doesn't seem bothered by the heat and given her own sparse clothing, having at least one of them fully dressed feels like a good idea. She's lying flat on her back and him on his side, still partially asleep but even so, she can feel his eyes fluttering open and pressing down on her.

"Marissa...are you okay?"

She closes her eyes and ponders the question. In the space of one day, she fainted, fell down a flight of stairs, found out she was pregnant and finally discovered she had lost the baby. There was no person who could be okay after that.

"No."

The word resonates in the humid air and Ryan moves his arm so it drapes across her waist before telling her, "Neither am I."

* * *

When Marissa wakes up the next morning, she can feel the warm sunlight passing through the window and falling on to her skin. She can feel the texture of Ryan's jeans against her legs and the muscles on his torso pressing down on her back. She can feel him on seemingly every inch of her body. His arm holds her tightly and she's leaning into her, glowing in the comfort. She threads her fingers through his and instantly he grips her hand through a semi-conscious daze. Marissa absorbs the moment, taking in the feeling of waking up next to Ryan - a feeling forgotten far too long ago.

Ryan moves next to her, slowly coming out of his slumber and Marissa holds her breath waiting for this momentary paradise to end. But it doesn't. He shifts his head, his nose nuzzling into her back. It's like in the motel on the way to TJ two years ago but then instinct had been to immediately back off wary of the boundaries of their relationship but times have changed. Instinct has become to fall further into the intimacy.

His lips press down on her exposed shoulder and she shivers at the contact; the kiss is tender yet scalding. He's not thinking coherently, he's just acting on impulses and his kisses spread till he's on top of her, her arms round his neck, his mouth targeted on her collar bone. Then the kisses shake him awake and understanding what's he done he moves away from her. He's about to apologize but he sees the glint in her eyes that isn't regretful but clouded with lust. So he does the only thing that could be done, he closes the static air between them and his lips lands on hers.

Their mouths part, tongues melding together, hands racing through each other's hair, down their bodies, under their tops – it's seamless and never ending. Her legs move round his waist, her hands go lower fumbling with his belt. He's already taken her tank top off and is working his way down her body, through a steady trail of kisses, ready to take off her offending shorts.

She flips them over, moving on top and lifting his shirt off before returning the long hard kiss he's offering. She's dressed only in her underwear now and where their naked skin touches, the heat burns through. Her hand returns to his jeans, quickly unbuttoning them and pushing them down in a hurried attempt to move things forward.

Every desire in Ryan's body wants things to go further. He would love nothing more than to pin her down and fuck her hard but when her hands play with the waistband of his boxers threatening to pull them down, it occurs to him that they actually can't do this.

"Wait." he says breathless pulling away from their kiss. "We can't."

"What?" Marissa asks him. She heard what he said but she can't believe what she's hearing. There has only ever been one other time he has denied sex and that was right after the disaster with Oliver. "I thought…I'm sorry, of course we can't, we broke up and you like another girl…"

She's rambling off as she begins to move away from him, trying to find the discarded tank top and shorts. Failing to find them, she settles for the thin robe lying next to her bed.

"That's not how I meant it," he tells her grabbing on to her wrist, "I don't think we can physically do this or at least, you can't…given everything that's happened." She registers what he's saying and realization dawns across her face. She had suffered the miscarriage only yesterday and it was very likely not advisable to be engaging in such activities the day after.

"Oh God, of course this would happen to us." She groans as she flops onto the bed. "I'm sorry."

He shrugs and replies, "It's not your fault." Ryan begins to get dressed and Marissa watches him contemplating what she should say next, what this even means. Neither is really sure about how to behave and fortunately, they're saved from the task when Ryan's phone goes off. He checks the caller ID, it's Seth.

"Hey man, what's up?" he says casually.

"_What's up?_ Dude I should be asking you that but I'm not, for now, so don't think you're getting out of some hardcore Seth/Ryan time because I have some really burgeoning questions to ask. A real interrogation my friend."

"Seth..."

"Yes, sorry I'm drifting but what I called to say was I need you home ASAP. I covered for you last night but if you don't get home soon, mom and dad are going to get suspicious. Hell I'm getting suspicious, where actually are you?"

"I'm...it doesn't matter. I'll explain when I get home."

"Ok, man but I really mean it. As soon as possible."

"Yeah, I got it."

Ryan puts the phone away before looking at Marissa.

"I should be heading out"

"Yeah, I'll walk you to the door..."

"It's just over there Marissa. Like few meters away."

"Well, I can't just sit here." she says getting up from the bed. "Coming?" He laughs in response as he follows after her.

They stand awkwardly at the door, unsure of what would be an appropriate goodbye. Suddenly a question pops into Ryan's head.

"Hey, have you told anyone else about what happened?"

"No, just you." Anticipating the next question that may be circling in his mind she tells him, "But I don't mind if you want to talk to Seth about it or even Sandy and Kirsten. Although, I was hoping not to have to tell the parents about this."

"Yeah, I'm with you on the parents. I'm actually really scared about what you're mom might do to me if she found out I knocked you up."

"You may have to leave the country." she says partly joking, partly serious.

"Yeah...but you should talk to someone, maybe Summer. Might help?"

"Maybe..." she replies hesitantly.

"Think about it." He says goodbye and he's about to leave but just as he approaches his car, he's hit by how open ended things are between them. So, in the hope of bringing some sense of solidity to their situation, he turns and tells her, "Just so you know, I don't regret what happened this morning."

Taken aback by his words at first, she responds confidently, "That's good because neither do I."

The look at each other, a small smile breaking on to their faces as they are once more momentarily united by their shared longing for each other.


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: I'm not really that pleased with this chapter again but I would like to get this story completed though the next chapter could be a long wait. This chapter is Seth/Ryan time. I may include a discussion with Marissa/Summer or just go straight ahead and tidy up stuff between Ryan/Marissa. The thing is, I'm not overly keen on writing discussions since it's mainly speech and I don't think I do it very well. If people would like to see a discussion between M/S then let me know in the reviews and I'll think about it.**_

Ryan walked to the pool house having successful sneaked through the kitchen. He runs a tired hand through his hair as he prepares to enter the pool house; he's not in the mood for intensive questioning from Seth but it's inevitable.

"Oh, look who finally turned up."

"Hi Seth." Ryan replies wryly before sitting down on the bed while Seth sits opposite on the armchair.

"So..." A mischievous smile forms on his face, "where should we begin?"

Ryan groans in the anticipation of the onslaught of questions awaiting him.

"Could we please just do this quickly Seth?"

"Oh c'mon, where's the fun in that?" The statement only gets an angry stare from Ryan causing him to swiftly change tact. "Okay, first question and this should probably explain a lot, where were you?"

Ryan deliberates for a second then finally decides honesty is going to be the best policy here.

"I was with Marissa."

"Ah, of course who else? So what happened to moving on man?"

"It's not that we're back together. Nothing happened."

Seth gives him a sharp look.

"Nothing? You spent a whole night with Marissa Cooper and you really expect me to believe _nothing_ happened."

"We...may have almost had sex but the important thing is we didn't."

"C'mon man you know better than I do that being with Marissa will sooner or later suck you into a dark, drama-filled hole. She's nothing but trouble."

"Seth." Ryan snaps, "Cut it out."

Seth raises his hands feigning defense.

"I'm sorry."

"Me and Marissa...it's just not that simple and she doesn't deserve all the blame. And last night, she asked me to stay at the party but I chose to go with her. I wanted to."

Seth thinking what he has said over asks, "Well what happened that made you want to go? I can't understand how you went from seriously considering not inviting her to your birthday to almost having sex with her."

Ryan sighs deeply in anticipation of what he's about to say.

"It kind of turned out that Marissa was pregnant."

"Pregnant? Like with child." Seth exclaims before grasping the crucial tense in that sentence. "Hold on, what do you mean she _was_ pregnant? Did she get an abortion?"

Ryan shakes his head slowly before replying, "She lost it."

"Wow, I'm sorry man." Seth responds quietly as he's reminded of a same situation two years ago and like then, he's not really sure how to act in this situation. "Are you okay?"

"I'm doing better than I was."

"What about Marissa?"

"I think she's doing better too but I still worry."

"Is that why you spent the night with her?" Seth asks with a severe look on his face.

Ryan reclines back on the bed pondering the question, "No. I mean part of it, yes I wanted to make sure she was ok but mostly because I didn't want to be alone myself."

"You know, you wouldn't have been alone. There's me, mom and dad, even Sadie."

"I know but," Ryan stops thinking about how to phrase the next part without hurting Seth's feelings, "I don't have to explain with Marissa. We're in the same situation; it's easier."

"That makes sense," Seth says cautiously, still wary of where the line lies when talking about Marissa. "I just think, whatever it is you're doing with Marissa you should be careful. Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons," he pauses waiting for a response from Ryan and when he doesn't get one, he continues, "like you're not with her just so you can save her."

"No that's not it." Ryan protests thought not with absolute confidence. He shuts his eyes, trying to work out what exactly it is that he feels for Marissa. He can't deny that so much of their relationship seems built on him saving her, since that first night he spent in Newport but that's just what it _seems_ like. Their relationship is a delirious blend of feelings and to pinpoint one superior feeling is a futile task.

"So tell me," Seth offers in an attempt to move on to slightly lighter topic although with Ryan and Marissa, nothing ever feels light, "how exactly did you go from discovering you may have conceived a baby together to _almost_ attempting to conceiving another one? You know after your last pregnancy scare, Summer issued a total sex fatwa…only I sailed away before I could see it in action."

_This morning. _

The thought alone still puts a smile on his face. Whenever he thinks back about their relationship and he remembers the fights about Oliver and Trey and Johnny, he resolves that being with Marissa is the hardest shit in the world. Then, the moments like this morning, sneak up on him and it's just him and her; their kisses are divine, their minds in sync and in that moment everything is perfect. The happiness is blinding and irreplaceable. Yet, the most striking feelings come in the aftermath when the recreation of that moment feels so explicably possible. He wants her, he wants her so goddamn much and maybe she wants him too. And then maybe they can be together and it won't be like the last time and they'll feel those perfect moments all the time and just maybe...

There are so many maybes in their relationship, all these various moment which he can pick out and wonder what could have been. He's always wondering with her, sometimes about her feelings and sometimes about his but as he finds Seth's questioning eyes pried on him, the maybes fade until only absolution is left.

"I love her."

It's that simple, only he knows it's not in reality. It has never been simple.

"You love her?" Seth repeats dumbly. "I'm feeling a deja vu moment coming up...ah yes New Years Eve 2003 in this very pool house, we had a eerily similar conversation. I hate to break this to you buddy but your great epiphany isn't much of a revelation."

"I know but for a while back there I thought maybe I didn't anymore or she didn't and I thought I could move on and it would be ok."

"But it's not." Seth completes for him.

Ryan nods and then somewhat nervously asks Seth, "Do you really think we're just a 'dark drama filled hole'?"

"No, of course not man." Seth says quickly. "It's just that well, last year I kept pushing you to be with Marissa even when you asked me not to. Then you two finally got together and look at all the crazy shit that went down. So, this time I don't want to push you and until today, you seemed like you really wanted the break-up so I was just trying to support you with it."

Even though his logic may be slightly unusual, the intent is well-meaning.

"Thanks but Seth, as bizarre and crazy as it may be, I do care about what you think."

"That's a really bad idea."

"I know, but what _do_ you really think?"

"I..." Seth bites his lip, trying to find the answer to the question, "I want you guys together, 'course I do. Maybe it's just a childish fantasy but I like to think it's meant to be me and Summer and you and Marissa - the fantastic four. But you two have a shitload of problems…"

"I know but she'll do something, say something, maybe just smile at me and the problems won't matter anymore."

"God, you're so whipped dude." Ryan blushes uncontrollably from the statement, thinking he must have sounded like the sappiest guy ever. "I think it's quite obvious want you want."

With those parting words, Seth leaves the room a little grin finally appearing on his face. _The fantastic four may just be becoming fantastic again._


End file.
